someone get that fucking seahorse.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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