Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
