Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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