I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
why do cheetos always look like penises
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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