I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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