just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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