How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
