we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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