Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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