oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
