I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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