I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
