I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
