My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
