Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Someone shattered a urinal.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
