I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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