I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
In America we eat man semen.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
