She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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