if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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