I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
it hurts more in the daytime
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
