my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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