I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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