Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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