I can tuck mytits in my pants
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
