atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
