you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
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I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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