Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
