I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
