I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
