Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
