How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
