walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
