my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
