there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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