Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
