bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
