Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
