I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
