Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
