he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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