He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
