where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
