i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
