I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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