She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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