fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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