I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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