I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
