walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
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We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
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Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize