wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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