you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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