he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
