I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
