Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
