Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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