you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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