my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
