He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
